|Posted on August 6, 2018 at 4:35 AM|
Sometimes I wake in the morning and I think, for no reason that I just can't do it, yet I have witihin me a story to tell and a magic person to offer everyone. Sometimes I think to myself, no one can see me, no one understands how lovely I am; how I, little me could be a successful person, a happy person, a smiler... a shiner - One of those people that cycles to work every day, eats vegetables and bounces along!
I know that I am that person, but that person is sitting within this other person that stops that other guy from coming out. So, I just sit here anyhow and allow that controlling, suffocating 'other' to oppress and control the other me to keep quiet and stay dark and without light. I also feel him pushing and tugging and pulling, wanting to come out. I tease him and taunt him... "Go away, you are nothing, you cant do anything, you will be never 'be' anything....ever...not ever."
Yet, at the same I feel the strength of successful me, the handsome me, the nice me, I hear him say " you can do it, let them see, let them know 'you' because 'you' are lovely and shiny and sexy and awesome".
I know that this is me and the other me is me too!
How do I get them to mix up a bit and be kind to each other. I want to be a stronger person and build myself up and let myself out. I want to be valued cos I am worthy of being valued, but they dont value me...whose they? There is a longing, a hunger within my mind, heart and soul for meaningful conversation. A meaningful opening up of myself so others can see the beautiful me behind the closed up mess visible now....in the mirror when I take a glance at myself or catch myself in the window of a shop or such like.
Change is painful you know, hard and confusing. I wish I could be there for you...they say - Friends.
There may never be an answer - there is so much worth in you...they say - Friends & Family.
Am I going mad? - You are in the middle of a process - they say - Friends & Family.
What do they know, do they really see me, value me, like they say they do.....Why can't I believe them? Why can't I feel it? Why don't the words hit my stomach and meet me inside? Why can't I really believe them. Yet at the same time. I know they are right! It's so confusing. I feel sad. I am empty.
All day, I have been sad, crying and trying to be a good human... whilst utterly alone. Wanting to be strong and then...No...I can't be.
I want to distance myself from others and engage with others...fill myself with reason. I feel powerless, a powerlessness that is hard to describe and understand. There is no connection....then maybe a slight connection and then that explodes all the feelings I have.
I am trying to figure this out but I am going around in circles. I want to understand the tuldgy tangling roots that hold me stuckfast to this stupid feeling I have. This low-ness of low ebb that I can't seem to shift....
BUT WANT TO -
That is.... AGGREVATED POTENTIAL.